I tried to find a way to SUCKER PUNCH our dear senator Craig but could not stop giggling. I would normally expect morefrom the SUCKER PUNCH, but realized — and I am not sure how this is possible– the man SUCKER PUNCHED himself.Giggle on gay man, giggle on.
Dear Larry Craig,
First off, let me say that you and I have a lot in common. First of all, I, as you so eloquently put it, am not gay and have never been gay. I admit that once I was accused of giving myself a handjob, but those charges have never been substantiated.
Secondly, we both live in Washington DC, and we know that the place is overflowing with corruption. It’s enough to make us miss the fruits of our home states (Idaho Potatos for you, Kentucky Bourbon for me–by the way, I win). I admit that one night I found myself in the bathroom of Union Station, which I have since learned is a hot-spot for anonymous gay sex. I went there, not looking for anal love, but because I was going out to a bar in Union Station and when I got off the metro, I had to pee very badly. I rushed into the bathroom and quickly saw what was happening there. There were two voices coming from every bathroom stall, and the walls smelled as though they had been painted with a light coat of semen. When I used the bathroom, a preppy looking gentleman in a Georgetown University sweatshirt sidled up to the urinal next to me, dropped his pants to his ankles
and belted out the chorus of “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” by the Rolling Stones, all the while shaking his ass in my general direction. From that encounter, and several corroborating stories, I have discerned that the bathrooms in Union Station are meant primarily for anonymous gay sex and secondarily for urinating.
You’ve been accused of having gay sex in these same Union Station bathrooms where I once peed. You say it’s not true, and I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. You’ve also been accused of soliciting sex from a police officer in a Minnesota restroom. You say it’s not true, and who am I to say you’re lying? I mean, after all, we have a justice system, and if you were guilty, you probably would have plead guilty. I’m sure you, like me, were in these
notorious gay sex bathrooms because you had an innocent reason to be in these gay sex bathrooms.
Here’s where maybe we part ways. Say, for argument’s sake, you were in those bathrooms for PG-13 reasons. Maybe you heard somebody sing “You can’t always get what you want,” and you thought, “But if you try sometimes, you just might find you get what you need.” It would be monstrously hypocritical of you to say that the bathroom cruisers, whose secret signals you coincidentally knew, shouldn’t have the same rights as you, a more distinguished bathroom cruiser, who probably preferred Idaho’s own music to the Rolling Stones.
But even if you are just being framed, then we have to work together to ensure that this bathroom-banging stops. Maybe if there were a socially acceptable way for gays to live as committed couples, sort of the way that you and your wife do. Short of that, I propose that you and me join forces and keep a 24 hour watch on the Union Station bathrooms with a video camera just to ensure no funny stuff happens.
The Keith to your Mick,
Gov’t M
As sometimes occurs, I am spending this day in airports across our fruity plains and I can’t help but ruminate on these times in which we live, where liberals parade as conservatives, gays appear as straights. It is fantasgomorraic.
During the critical discussion of Mr. Larry Craig, Idaho’s openly gay Senator, last night on Larry King Lies, King zinged faggot sexpert Dr. Drew with one of Chris Matthews’ patented “hardball” questions (and in a sign of the times, doesn’t that sound a little gay itself? Where’s that Islamofascist from Nightline when you need him?). The exchange follows, direct from the transcript:
KING: Dr. Pinsky, why men’s rooms?
PINSKY: (laughs) Why men’s rooms?
KING: Is that because it’s a safe kind of cover?
PINSKY: Yes, it’s an anonymous behavior. There’s a ritual element to it. I mean they tend to be public spaces where people can sort of hide away and sometimes can be quiet. I mean parks are sort of the characteristic place for it. I don’t know about airports. I wasn’t aware that airports were a very commonplace (INAUDIBLE) because there’s plenty of traffic.
So, yes, now not even the bathroom is safe. No longer is my shitastic throne a fortress of solitude.
No, now these faggots have infiltrated even this bastion of pussyfucking and I can no longer poop in peace, let alone hold my penis in my right hand and stare at boogers on the wall above the urinal without thinking, “What’s that queer to my left looking at? Why does he keep tapping his fairy feet like that?”
What is the world cumming to? When will these liberals stop? They disgust me with their semen swapping and their “I don’t care if I burn in hell attitude.”
Butt here’s The Donkey Punch:
Liberals can rejoice in this debacle of hypocrisy all they like but they’ll just cum out as cruel and unusual.
Treat this like it is: a known fact. Republicans make good faggots, too. Given the way they insist on dressing, obviously a good percentage of them must be a little light in the loafers. You can’t put that many douchebags in dock shoes and not expect any number of them to occassion the airport glory hole.
And if it’s a known fact then it’s like, oh, gravity. We don’t sit around marveling at gravity, do we?
We don’t waste precious time discussing gravity instead of subject of more gravitas, like Owen Wilson’s suicide attempt or, hmm, that insane war in Iraq.
So please, Liberals, get off your sloganeering ass and say something that means… something.
And let the queers of all parties party like queers who fear no evil. Otherwise, you liberals will burn in hell right fucking next to them.
If you’re not doomed to it already. You shitheads. (I mean you, Carville.)
I don’t know what it was about today, but my mind wandered back to sweet ol’ Bertha Champagne.
If you don’t remember, Bertha was the 62-year-old long-time nanny in the home of Mr. Marvin Bush, one of our esteemed nation’s three First Brothers. She was by all accounts sweet and loved by all.
Then one fateful night nearly four years ago as she stood in Marvin’s driveway, poor Bertha was struck by an unoccupied vehicle that had somehow slipped into gear and was slowly rolled to her obviously straight-forward death.
There is, of course, plenty to read about Ms. Champagne were you to scour all the bullshit left-wing America-haters have seeded across the Google, but I’ll just send you to those liberal assholes over at the WaPo.
I guess maybe it’s just important to remember those that pass and I guess also it’s easy to be glib with the passing. So, in this spirit of, oh this momentary jaunt into the void of feeling, let me lament:
The brave police officers who fall in the line of duty while protecting the leader of the free world, both the one today in New Mexico and the one last November in Honolulu. (It hardly needs mentioning that those shits at Democratic Underground are rejoicing.)
Arizona Senator Rick Renzi — Victim of that liberal witch hunt known as politics as usual, Sen. Renzi is guilty of nothing more than being a fine American crafted from the very mold of all such fine Americans as who have ever represented this the greatest nation on Earth. But when those fucks at the FBI raided his business, well, a good white man can only stand so much.
Idaho Senator Larry Craig — He is guilty only of having taken a shit, and in the process tapping his feet, playing footsie, reaching under a public bathroom stall divider for a phantom piece of paper and, yes, making his poop disappear. I mean, really, is this Salem all over again? Do we really have to burn this man alive like some sort of faggot because he has startling unseen powers?
And of course, Alberto Gonzales… our dearly departed Attorney General, one of President Bush’s last Texan carpetbaggers and “America’s #1 Anchor Baby.” He was run out of town for what? Defending America? Loving our rights? Not remembering every goddamn thing that ever happened in his life? His good name wasn’t dragged through the mud, it was covered in a Ted Kennedy-sized pile of shit and as we all know, Liberal shit doesn’t just vanish like the feces of true defenders of this country.
B the Opponent has some odd friends. Or, maybe he just has friends and those friends — like good friends often do — are willing to overlook some embarrassing foibles.
But you see, friendship is also about setting your friends straight. So it is that I find amusement in the odd defense B the Opponent’s friends keep trumping up. Like, this one, for example, from those douchebags that won’t go away:
Quote Of The Day
I loved this gem from former Lt. Governor Steve Beshear (D) in today’s Middlesboro Daily News:
“I’m running against an incumbent so desperate to keep his job, he’s willing to say anything to keep it,” Beshear said. “Well, for every lie they tell about us, we’ll tell the truth about them. And the truth about them is much worse than any lies they can tell about us.”
Amen.
I mean, really? What’s the point here? This is the sort of shit people want to read on a blog? An inane quote from a fucking Dittohead?
And really, B, what’s the fucking lie? That your economic plan for the state you wish to govern is based exclusively on gambling? Or that you and all your friends have promised the moon, a brighter tomorrow and health insurance on that phantom concept?
That’s not how you build an economy. And to point it out isn’t a lie.
So really, what’s the gem here? And what do you do when the lie they told about you turns out to be the truth? What will you do then?
And that is today’s Donkey Punch.
Alright, now we are talking. Finally after a three month cooling off period since the primaries our two candidates for governor are back subsidizing the local television industry. I have to say I could not be more happy. Usually commercials that are produced within the state suck. Some old asshole yelling about furniture or some fat guys and a Latino playing poker talking about how North Broadway Auto is more than willing to completely ream you by giving you a car and then breaking your legs when you cannot pay them.
Nice lighting, good sound and a well scouted location; that is what I look for in a good commercial.
Now, lets get to the Sucker Punch.
— F, the governor – is on a tour of casino towns, and he is bringing us along; thanks F. In a well thought out campaign strategy he is talking about what he is not doing, the best part is he is not doing something that has not been done. And I have a feeling – F, the governor – is going to F himself and his own unhappy ending.However, I think casino gambling could work well for the state, we just need to hop on the MIRAPEX bandwagon. MIRAPEX is a drug made by Boehringer Ingelheim Pharmaceuticals. It helps people with restless legs. The reason I bring this up and the reason Boehringer Ingelheim Pharmaceuticals can help the future of Kentucky is stated on their web page.
Here is what I mean:
“There have been reports of patients taking certain medications to treat Parkinson’s disease
or RLS, including MIRAPEX, that have reported problems with gambling, compulsive eating,
and increased sex drive…”
So if we just make this a drug that can be abused, perhaps infuse it with some Oxycotin (possible name oxymirapexin) to insure its addictive properties. This will help the Commonwealth in many ways.
We can insure the casinos will make money, people will get fatter, and the restless legs will finally find rest.
Then — and this is the important part — we can then use the increased gambling revenue to build higher education trade schools in underprivileged areas that focus solely on training and educating lawyers in the field of fucking pharmaceutical companies. Thereby we provide real world skills that provide good paying jobs in rural areas pulling these areas out of being uneducated and poor.
F, the Governor: You are a poor resemblance of a person. I could give two shits about gambling and there is no way you are going to make me care, even with your good lighting and well scripted unhappy ending.
B, the opponent: If you allow F, the Governor to control the dialog you can fall into the same grave as flip-flop.
Kiss my ass, I want health insurance.
Take that SUCKER PUNCH
Don’t know if you all missed this, but the Iraq war is going really well.
It’s going so great, those stupid Democrats are freaking out…
Aware of the trouble Iraqi progress could mean for Democrats at home — House Whip James Clyburn recently said if the surge were successful, it would be “a real problem for us” — a revised set of talking points is being worked up by Democrats that declares the escalation of troops in Iraq has not been successful despite White House claims otherwise.
That’s right, fuckers! Those Donkies lie about everything! Want proof? Look no further than The Old Gray Bitch, where the warnings of the FOX News report are played out to a D:
A stark assessment released today by the nation’s intelligence agencies depicts a paralyzed Iraqi government unable to take advantage of the security gains achieved by the thousands of extra American troops dispatched to the country this year.
The Democrats have gotten so good at planting stories in the press, they’d make that old bat Judy Miller blush. Like this one about lovable old Republican Senator John Warner and how he’s now against the war:
Vulnerable Republicans have been desperately searching for middle ground on Iraq, and Sen. John Warner, the senior senator from Virginia, may have just given them political cover.
Warner on Thursday called for a partial withdrawal of troops from Iraq, saying 5,000 soldiers should come home by Christmas.
Lies! I mean, really, who believes this shit?
One need look no further than the evidence… I mean, the surge is going so fucking great that all the insurgents are fleeing Iraq cause they’re little bitches who can’t take the heat.
And when all the insurgents flee, well, violence is reduced and Iraq becomes a safer place. Don’t take my word for it, because I’m not nearly as smart as the National Security Estimate, and they’ve got this issue nailed like a 14 year old in Mary Kay Letourneau’s class:
Where population displacements have led to significant sectarian separation, conflict levels have diminished to some extent because warring communities find it more difficult to penetrate communal enclaves.
Hear that? Peace in our time! Suck it!
But that’s not all, folks: Iraq’s economy is getting a real push thanks to the redemptive power of global capitalism and the powerful march of freedom is enjoying a healthy open, democratic debate that all Iraqis are proud to take part in.
With everything going swimmingly in Baghdad, that plastic-eyed bitch Nancy Pelosi is playing footsie with irrelevancy. You see, David Petraeus, US General in Iraq, is supposed to tell the Congress all this good news, but Miss Pelosi’s pissed because he’s scheduled for September 11th.
Yeah. That 9/11.
Apparently, Pelosi thinks this conflates the war with that sacred day. And here’s The Donkey Punch:
If the Democrats had balls, they’d be more than happy to discuss the progress of the Iraq war on 9/11. Because conflating the two already happened and it can’t fucking be undone, no matter how much those ballless Donkies might wish otherwise. It’s almost astonishing how much these idiots hate America, our troops and our Founding Fathers. It’s like, save the country or go to the Home Depot, buy something from China, and shut the fuck up.
I mean, you, Pelosi.
The piece of shit Republicans used to call their “Speaker of the House” is hitting the fan and blowing out of town. Congressman Denny Hastert (E-Il.) is quitting.
One of those conservative whorehouses has the rest of the story:
As to why Hastert would call it quits so early and trigger a special election that Republicans might well lose — and thus cause them considerable embarrassment in a presidential year — one source told me this morning: “Denny is just fed up with Congress. He can’t stand it being in the minority after being the longest-serving Republican speaker in history.”
Yeah. Sure does suck to lose. Guess it’s time to pack up and head home before you get your legs or head blown off by those voracious, uncompromising Democrats.
Denny will best be remembered by the ten people who give two shits as that guy who sat around jerking Congressman Foley off while Foley was chatting with teenage boys on the internet.
If you’d like to bore yourself to death rather than do anything constructive, join the discussion with those queers over at ‘Kos — they’re really getting to bottom of this one.
—————-
Now playing: Grateful Dead - U. S. Blues.