the donkey punch

With public men’s restrooms now verboten, I recently took a shit in the comfort of my own bathroom and with much ease violated myself with an issue of The Economist, the only far-left periodical I enjoy (particularly for its lack of bylines — how socialistic!).

Anyways, they were analyzing the state of American politics, wondering if our great empire is about to topple into pinkoism. Luckily, they argue, we are safe for now. Their cogent portrait of the probable Democratic nominee, that insufferable whore and her hamburgler husband, pretty much summed up my own feelings:

Mrs Clinton might be portrayed as a communist on talk radio in Kansas, but set her alongside France’s Nicolas Sarkozy, Germany’s Angela Merkel, Britain’s David Cameron or any other supposed European conservative, and on virtually every significant issue Mrs Clinton is the more right-wing.

Strangely enough, this point of debate provides a rare confluence for many on opposite sides of the spectrum. Folks on both Right and Left whole-heartedly declare her liberal (albeit, for opposite reasons) but these people, ill-intentioned ideologues all of them, are stupid, lying to you, or probably a whole bunch of both.

Mr. Robert Novak, that liberal bastard whose attempt to destroy the Bush administration remains a sore subject with me, has found that the responsible members of Ms. Clinton’s own party are, like me and the rest of the cortex-enabled nation, fearful:

Many of the Democratic congressmen who ousted Republicans in marginal House districts last year privately express concern about the impact on their re-election prospects if Hillary Clinton is nominated for president.

Hillary Clinton is toxic. Neither liberal nor conservative, she is an opportunist. Disliked by all, her only hopes are the further collapse of the Elephant party and/or the insatiable desire of millions of left-leaning Americans to continually settle for less than they deserve.

Not exactly a strong platform, but at least it’s something. Take that away and there’s little substance left: no real position on the war, no real position on the economy, no real position on health care. She is Bill Clinton-Lite and it seems to me Al Gore already lost.

I guess New York Times writer Matt Bai has a new book out (its point: bloggers are writing a bunch of words but not doing anything truly constructive and neither are the politicians… a funny thing to publish in a book) and apparently he has a metaphor worth considering:

Just as G.M. couldn’t begin to consider a world without Pontiacs, neither could Washington Democrats and their interest groups envision a world where every single liberal provision of the last 70 years didn’t exist intact. This made real innovation — the kind of innovation that had launched the modern Democratic Party in the first place — all but impossible. There were all kinds of specific new policy proposals on the Democratic shelf, just as there were always new models of Buicks and Pontiacs on the drawing boards. But there was nothing approaching a plan to restructure the modern social contract for an age when Wal-Mart, and not G.M., employed the most Americans, in the same imaginative way that the New Dealers had dreamed up a compact to meet the challenge of an earlier day.

So, yes: if Americans began to demand of their leaders someone who at least believed in themselves, someone who had ideas, wouldn’t that be something?

Failing that, the left could just twiddle down the days to the 2008 election and hope the Grand Old Party’s self-destruction continues and thus no platform is needed, no hard decisions need be made and no real ideas need be formulated. But, sadly, presidential adviser and former GOP chief Ed Gillespie is putting a stop to those chances, vigorously promising politicians unlike any we have so far seen:

“I think that we will not have candidates who have any kind of ethical considerations that will be a concern to the voters come 2008.”

My word! Ethical politicians? Representatives we can feel good voting for?

I don’t know about all that. But I do know this: Hillary Clinton, Mr. Obama, John McCain, and the smelly man stumbling around the grocery store could all learn a lesson in leadership — in faith and beliefs — from the man who currently holds the position they all want.

You can hate on George W. Bush if you like, but you’d be a fool to ignore his lessons, to not follow his lead. The Donkey Punch today is a few words of truth:

I have come to understand true leadership leans into the wind. It tackles big challenges with uncertain outcomes rather than taking on simple, sure tasks. It does what is right, regardless of what the latest poll or focus group says.

As sometimes occurs, I am spending this day in airports across our fruity plains and I can’t help but ruminate on these times in which we live, where liberals parade as conservatives, gays appear as straights. It is fantasgomorraic.

During the critical discussion of Mr. Larry Craig, Idaho’s openly gay Senator, last night on Larry King Lies, King zinged faggot sexpert Dr. Drew with one of Chris Matthews’ patented “hardball” questions (and in a sign of the times, doesn’t that sound a little gay itself? Where’s that Islamofascist from Nightline when you need him?). The exchange follows, direct from the transcript:

KING: Dr. Pinsky, why men’s rooms?

PINSKY: (laughs) Why men’s rooms?

KING: Is that because it’s a safe kind of cover?

PINSKY: Yes, it’s an anonymous behavior. There’s a ritual element to it. I mean they tend to be public spaces where people can sort of hide away and sometimes can be quiet. I mean parks are sort of the characteristic place for it. I don’t know about airports. I wasn’t aware that airports were a very commonplace (INAUDIBLE) because there’s plenty of traffic.

So, yes, now not even the bathroom is safe. No longer is my shitastic throne a fortress of solitude.

No, now these faggots have infiltrated even this bastion of pussyfucking and I can no longer poop in peace, let alone hold my penis in my right hand and stare at boogers on the wall above the urinal without thinking, “What’s that queer to my left looking at? Why does he keep tapping his fairy feet like that?”

What is the world cumming to? When will these liberals stop? They disgust me with their semen swapping and their “I don’t care if I burn in hell attitude.”

Butt here’s The Donkey Punch:

Liberals can rejoice in this debacle of hypocrisy all they like but they’ll just cum out as cruel and unusual.

Treat this like it is: a known fact. Republicans make good faggots, too. Given the way they insist on dressing, obviously a good percentage of them must be a little light in the loafers. You can’t put that many douchebags in dock shoes and not expect any number of them to occassion the airport glory hole.

And if it’s a known fact then it’s like, oh, gravity. We don’t sit around marveling at gravity, do we?

We don’t waste precious time discussing gravity instead of subject of more gravitas, like Owen Wilson’s suicide attempt or, hmm, that insane war in Iraq.

So please, Liberals, get off your sloganeering ass and say something that means… something.

And let the queers of all parties party like queers who fear no evil. Otherwise, you liberals will burn in hell right fucking next to them.

If you’re not doomed to it already. You shitheads. (I mean you, Carville.)

B the Opponent has some odd friends. Or, maybe he just has friends and those friends — like good friends often do — are willing to overlook some embarrassing foibles.

But you see, friendship is also about setting your friends straight. So it is that I find amusement in the odd defense B the Opponent’s friends keep trumping up. Like, this one, for example, from those douchebags that won’t go away:

Quote Of The Day

I loved this gem from former Lt. Governor Steve Beshear (D) in today’s Middlesboro Daily News:

“I’m running against an incumbent so desperate to keep his job, he’s willing to say anything to keep it,” Beshear said. “Well, for every lie they tell about us, we’ll tell the truth about them. And the truth about them is much worse than any lies they can tell about us.”

Amen.

I mean, really? What’s the point here? This is the sort of shit people want to read on a blog? An inane quote from a fucking Dittohead?

And really, B, what’s the fucking lie? That your economic plan for the state you wish to govern is based exclusively on gambling? Or that you and all your friends have promised the moon, a brighter tomorrow and health insurance on that phantom concept?

That’s not how you build an economy. And to point it out isn’t a lie.

So really, what’s the gem here? And what do you do when the lie they told about you turns out to be the truth? What will you do then?

And that is today’s Donkey Punch.

Don’t know if you all missed this, but the Iraq war is going really well.

It’s going so great, those stupid Democrats are freaking out…

Aware of the trouble Iraqi progress could mean for Democrats at home — House Whip James Clyburn recently said if the surge were successful, it would be “a real problem for us” — a revised set of talking points is being worked up by Democrats that declares the escalation of troops in Iraq has not been successful despite White House claims otherwise.

That’s right, fuckers! Those Donkies lie about everything! Want proof? Look no further than The Old Gray Bitch, where the warnings of the FOX News report are played out to a D:

A stark assessment released today by the nation’s intelligence agencies depicts a paralyzed Iraqi government unable to take advantage of the security gains achieved by the thousands of extra American troops dispatched to the country this year.

The Democrats have gotten so good at planting stories in the press, they’d make that old bat Judy Miller blush. Like this one about lovable old Republican Senator John Warner and how he’s now against the war:

Vulnerable Republicans have been desperately searching for middle ground on Iraq, and Sen. John Warner, the senior senator from Virginia, may have just given them political cover.

Warner on Thursday called for a partial withdrawal of troops from Iraq, saying 5,000 soldiers should come home by Christmas.

Lies! I mean, really, who believes this shit?

One need look no further than the evidence… I mean, the surge is going so fucking great that all the insurgents are fleeing Iraq cause they’re little bitches who can’t take the heat.

And when all the insurgents flee, well, violence is reduced and Iraq becomes a safer place. Don’t take my word for it, because I’m not nearly as smart as the National Security Estimate, and they’ve got this issue nailed like a 14 year old in Mary Kay Letourneau’s class:

Where population displacements have led to significant sectarian separation, conflict levels have diminished to some extent because warring communities find it more difficult to penetrate communal enclaves.

Hear that? Peace in our time! Suck it!

But that’s not all, folks: Iraq’s economy is getting a real push thanks to the redemptive power of global capitalism and the powerful march of freedom is enjoying a healthy open, democratic debate that all Iraqis are proud to take part in.

With everything going swimmingly in Baghdad, that plastic-eyed bitch Nancy Pelosi is playing footsie with irrelevancy. You see, David Petraeus, US General in Iraq, is supposed to tell the Congress all this good news, but Miss Pelosi’s pissed because he’s scheduled for September 11th.

Yeah. That 9/11.

Apparently, Pelosi thinks this conflates the war with that sacred day. And here’s The Donkey Punch:

If the Democrats had balls, they’d be more than happy to discuss the progress of the Iraq war on 9/11. Because conflating the two already happened and it can’t fucking be undone, no matter how much those ballless Donkies might wish otherwise. It’s almost astonishing how much these idiots hate America, our troops and our Founding Fathers. It’s like, save the country or go to the Home Depot, buy something from China, and shut the fuck up.

I mean, you, Pelosi.