the donkey punch

That really old guy from Law & Order announced tonight on Leno that he’s running for President.

I had some inside information so I’ve known about this for months and I guess I should have said something, you know, get the big scoop but I didn’t really give a shit.

Anyways. I was reading about this over on David Gregory’s favorite news site and there was this one comment that totally tweaked my interest:

King Con Location: NA Party: Republican

Reply #: 4 Date: Sep. 5, 2007 - 8:25 PM EST

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I told my wife I f I get the chance to hook up with a hottie like fread did when I am his age she is out the door.

She has been real sweet ever since. Try it guys. But you got to be serious for it to work. No one can say us Republicans aren’t all man. Am I right?

Thank God For Fred!!!!

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I had it on good authority that Fred didn’t swing that way but sometimes this happens. I was wrong and I admit it.

I guess I figured, you know, after he played the “Rear Admiral” in Hunt for Red October and named his kid after his character in the 1989 gay romp comedy, Fat Man and Little Boy, well…. these all seemed like clues.

But no, I totally just googled this shit and looks like I’m not the only one feeling lucky!

Can you even imagine what her nipples look like?

As my good friend Norman Hsu likes to say, Hillary just lost the erection!

As sometimes occurs, I am spending this day in airports across our fruity plains and I can’t help but ruminate on these times in which we live, where liberals parade as conservatives, gays appear as straights. It is fantasgomorraic.

During the critical discussion of Mr. Larry Craig, Idaho’s openly gay Senator, last night on Larry King Lies, King zinged faggot sexpert Dr. Drew with one of Chris Matthews’ patented “hardball” questions (and in a sign of the times, doesn’t that sound a little gay itself? Where’s that Islamofascist from Nightline when you need him?). The exchange follows, direct from the transcript:

KING: Dr. Pinsky, why men’s rooms?

PINSKY: (laughs) Why men’s rooms?

KING: Is that because it’s a safe kind of cover?

PINSKY: Yes, it’s an anonymous behavior. There’s a ritual element to it. I mean they tend to be public spaces where people can sort of hide away and sometimes can be quiet. I mean parks are sort of the characteristic place for it. I don’t know about airports. I wasn’t aware that airports were a very commonplace (INAUDIBLE) because there’s plenty of traffic.

So, yes, now not even the bathroom is safe. No longer is my shitastic throne a fortress of solitude.

No, now these faggots have infiltrated even this bastion of pussyfucking and I can no longer poop in peace, let alone hold my penis in my right hand and stare at boogers on the wall above the urinal without thinking, “What’s that queer to my left looking at? Why does he keep tapping his fairy feet like that?”

What is the world cumming to? When will these liberals stop? They disgust me with their semen swapping and their “I don’t care if I burn in hell attitude.”

Butt here’s The Donkey Punch:

Liberals can rejoice in this debacle of hypocrisy all they like but they’ll just cum out as cruel and unusual.

Treat this like it is: a known fact. Republicans make good faggots, too. Given the way they insist on dressing, obviously a good percentage of them must be a little light in the loafers. You can’t put that many douchebags in dock shoes and not expect any number of them to occassion the airport glory hole.

And if it’s a known fact then it’s like, oh, gravity. We don’t sit around marveling at gravity, do we?

We don’t waste precious time discussing gravity instead of subject of more gravitas, like Owen Wilson’s suicide attempt or, hmm, that insane war in Iraq.

So please, Liberals, get off your sloganeering ass and say something that means… something.

And let the queers of all parties party like queers who fear no evil. Otherwise, you liberals will burn in hell right fucking next to them.

If you’re not doomed to it already. You shitheads. (I mean you, Carville.)

The piece of shit Republicans used to call their “Speaker of the House” is hitting the fan and blowing out of town. Congressman Denny Hastert (E-Il.) is quitting.

One of those conservative whorehouses has the rest of the story:

As to why Hastert would call it quits so early and trigger a special election that Republicans might well lose — and thus cause them considerable embarrassment in a presidential year — one source told me this morning: “Denny is just fed up with Congress. He can’t stand it being in the minority after being the longest-serving Republican speaker in history.”

Yeah. Sure does suck to lose. Guess it’s time to pack up and head home before you get your legs or head blown off by those voracious, uncompromising Democrats.

Denny will best be remembered by the ten people who give two shits as that guy who sat around jerking Congressman Foley off while Foley was chatting with teenage boys on the internet.

If you’d like to bore yourself to death rather than do anything constructive, join the discussion with those queers over at ‘Kos — they’re really getting to bottom of this one.

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