the donkey punch

That really old guy from Law & Order announced tonight on Leno that he’s running for President.

I had some inside information so I’ve known about this for months and I guess I should have said something, you know, get the big scoop but I didn’t really give a shit.

Anyways. I was reading about this over on David Gregory’s favorite news site and there was this one comment that totally tweaked my interest:

King Con Location: NA Party: Republican

Reply #: 4 Date: Sep. 5, 2007 - 8:25 PM EST

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I told my wife I f I get the chance to hook up with a hottie like fread did when I am his age she is out the door.

She has been real sweet ever since. Try it guys. But you got to be serious for it to work. No one can say us Republicans aren’t all man. Am I right?

Thank God For Fred!!!!

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I had it on good authority that Fred didn’t swing that way but sometimes this happens. I was wrong and I admit it.

I guess I figured, you know, after he played the “Rear Admiral” in Hunt for Red October and named his kid after his character in the 1989 gay romp comedy, Fat Man and Little Boy, well…. these all seemed like clues.

But no, I totally just googled this shit and looks like I’m not the only one feeling lucky!

Can you even imagine what her nipples look like?

As my good friend Norman Hsu likes to say, Hillary just lost the erection!

With public men’s restrooms now verboten, I recently took a shit in the comfort of my own bathroom and with much ease violated myself with an issue of The Economist, the only far-left periodical I enjoy (particularly for its lack of bylines — how socialistic!).

Anyways, they were analyzing the state of American politics, wondering if our great empire is about to topple into pinkoism. Luckily, they argue, we are safe for now. Their cogent portrait of the probable Democratic nominee, that insufferable whore and her hamburgler husband, pretty much summed up my own feelings:

Mrs Clinton might be portrayed as a communist on talk radio in Kansas, but set her alongside France’s Nicolas Sarkozy, Germany’s Angela Merkel, Britain’s David Cameron or any other supposed European conservative, and on virtually every significant issue Mrs Clinton is the more right-wing.

Strangely enough, this point of debate provides a rare confluence for many on opposite sides of the spectrum. Folks on both Right and Left whole-heartedly declare her liberal (albeit, for opposite reasons) but these people, ill-intentioned ideologues all of them, are stupid, lying to you, or probably a whole bunch of both.

Mr. Robert Novak, that liberal bastard whose attempt to destroy the Bush administration remains a sore subject with me, has found that the responsible members of Ms. Clinton’s own party are, like me and the rest of the cortex-enabled nation, fearful:

Many of the Democratic congressmen who ousted Republicans in marginal House districts last year privately express concern about the impact on their re-election prospects if Hillary Clinton is nominated for president.

Hillary Clinton is toxic. Neither liberal nor conservative, she is an opportunist. Disliked by all, her only hopes are the further collapse of the Elephant party and/or the insatiable desire of millions of left-leaning Americans to continually settle for less than they deserve.

Not exactly a strong platform, but at least it’s something. Take that away and there’s little substance left: no real position on the war, no real position on the economy, no real position on health care. She is Bill Clinton-Lite and it seems to me Al Gore already lost.

I guess New York Times writer Matt Bai has a new book out (its point: bloggers are writing a bunch of words but not doing anything truly constructive and neither are the politicians… a funny thing to publish in a book) and apparently he has a metaphor worth considering:

Just as G.M. couldn’t begin to consider a world without Pontiacs, neither could Washington Democrats and their interest groups envision a world where every single liberal provision of the last 70 years didn’t exist intact. This made real innovation — the kind of innovation that had launched the modern Democratic Party in the first place — all but impossible. There were all kinds of specific new policy proposals on the Democratic shelf, just as there were always new models of Buicks and Pontiacs on the drawing boards. But there was nothing approaching a plan to restructure the modern social contract for an age when Wal-Mart, and not G.M., employed the most Americans, in the same imaginative way that the New Dealers had dreamed up a compact to meet the challenge of an earlier day.

So, yes: if Americans began to demand of their leaders someone who at least believed in themselves, someone who had ideas, wouldn’t that be something?

Failing that, the left could just twiddle down the days to the 2008 election and hope the Grand Old Party’s self-destruction continues and thus no platform is needed, no hard decisions need be made and no real ideas need be formulated. But, sadly, presidential adviser and former GOP chief Ed Gillespie is putting a stop to those chances, vigorously promising politicians unlike any we have so far seen:

“I think that we will not have candidates who have any kind of ethical considerations that will be a concern to the voters come 2008.”

My word! Ethical politicians? Representatives we can feel good voting for?

I don’t know about all that. But I do know this: Hillary Clinton, Mr. Obama, John McCain, and the smelly man stumbling around the grocery store could all learn a lesson in leadership — in faith and beliefs — from the man who currently holds the position they all want.

You can hate on George W. Bush if you like, but you’d be a fool to ignore his lessons, to not follow his lead. The Donkey Punch today is a few words of truth:

I have come to understand true leadership leans into the wind. It tackles big challenges with uncertain outcomes rather than taking on simple, sure tasks. It does what is right, regardless of what the latest poll or focus group says.

I don’t know what it was about today, but my mind wandered back to sweet ol’ Bertha Champagne.

If you don’t remember, Bertha was the 62-year-old long-time nanny in the home of Mr. Marvin Bush, one of our esteemed nation’s three First Brothers. She was by all accounts sweet and loved by all.

Then one fateful night nearly four years ago as she stood in Marvin’s driveway, poor Bertha was struck by an unoccupied vehicle that had somehow slipped into gear and was slowly rolled to her obviously straight-forward death.

There is, of course, plenty to read about Ms. Champagne were you to scour all the bullshit left-wing America-haters have seeded across the Google, but I’ll just send you to those liberal assholes over at the WaPo.

I guess maybe it’s just important to remember those that pass and I guess also it’s easy to be glib with the passing. So, in this spirit of, oh this momentary jaunt into the void of feeling, let me lament:

The brave police officers who fall in the line of duty while protecting the leader of the free world, both the one today in New Mexico and the one last November in Honolulu. (It hardly needs mentioning that those shits at Democratic Underground are rejoicing.)

Arizona Senator Rick Renzi — Victim of that liberal witch hunt known as politics as usual, Sen. Renzi is guilty of nothing more than being a fine American crafted from the very mold of all such fine Americans as who have ever represented this the greatest nation on Earth. But when those fucks at the FBI raided his business, well, a good white man can only stand so much.

Idaho Senator Larry Craig — He is guilty only of having taken a shit, and in the process tapping his feet, playing footsie, reaching under a public bathroom stall divider for a phantom piece of paper and, yes, making his poop disappear. I mean, really, is this Salem all over again? Do we really have to burn this man alive like some sort of faggot because he has startling unseen powers?

And of course, Alberto Gonzales… our dearly departed Attorney General, one of President Bush’s last Texan carpetbaggers and “America’s #1 Anchor Baby.” He was run out of town for what? Defending America? Loving our rights? Not remembering every goddamn thing that ever happened in his life? His good name wasn’t dragged through the mud, it was covered in a Ted Kennedy-sized pile of shit and as we all know, Liberal shit doesn’t just vanish like the feces of true defenders of this country.

Don’t know if you all missed this, but the Iraq war is going really well.

It’s going so great, those stupid Democrats are freaking out…

Aware of the trouble Iraqi progress could mean for Democrats at home — House Whip James Clyburn recently said if the surge were successful, it would be “a real problem for us” — a revised set of talking points is being worked up by Democrats that declares the escalation of troops in Iraq has not been successful despite White House claims otherwise.

That’s right, fuckers! Those Donkies lie about everything! Want proof? Look no further than The Old Gray Bitch, where the warnings of the FOX News report are played out to a D:

A stark assessment released today by the nation’s intelligence agencies depicts a paralyzed Iraqi government unable to take advantage of the security gains achieved by the thousands of extra American troops dispatched to the country this year.

The Democrats have gotten so good at planting stories in the press, they’d make that old bat Judy Miller blush. Like this one about lovable old Republican Senator John Warner and how he’s now against the war:

Vulnerable Republicans have been desperately searching for middle ground on Iraq, and Sen. John Warner, the senior senator from Virginia, may have just given them political cover.

Warner on Thursday called for a partial withdrawal of troops from Iraq, saying 5,000 soldiers should come home by Christmas.

Lies! I mean, really, who believes this shit?

One need look no further than the evidence… I mean, the surge is going so fucking great that all the insurgents are fleeing Iraq cause they’re little bitches who can’t take the heat.

And when all the insurgents flee, well, violence is reduced and Iraq becomes a safer place. Don’t take my word for it, because I’m not nearly as smart as the National Security Estimate, and they’ve got this issue nailed like a 14 year old in Mary Kay Letourneau’s class:

Where population displacements have led to significant sectarian separation, conflict levels have diminished to some extent because warring communities find it more difficult to penetrate communal enclaves.

Hear that? Peace in our time! Suck it!

But that’s not all, folks: Iraq’s economy is getting a real push thanks to the redemptive power of global capitalism and the powerful march of freedom is enjoying a healthy open, democratic debate that all Iraqis are proud to take part in.

With everything going swimmingly in Baghdad, that plastic-eyed bitch Nancy Pelosi is playing footsie with irrelevancy. You see, David Petraeus, US General in Iraq, is supposed to tell the Congress all this good news, but Miss Pelosi’s pissed because he’s scheduled for September 11th.

Yeah. That 9/11.

Apparently, Pelosi thinks this conflates the war with that sacred day. And here’s The Donkey Punch:

If the Democrats had balls, they’d be more than happy to discuss the progress of the Iraq war on 9/11. Because conflating the two already happened and it can’t fucking be undone, no matter how much those ballless Donkies might wish otherwise. It’s almost astonishing how much these idiots hate America, our troops and our Founding Fathers. It’s like, save the country or go to the Home Depot, buy something from China, and shut the fuck up.

I mean, you, Pelosi.